Kiss FM: The playlist dissected (Part One)

18 Sep

I’ve recently been working in an office which has a radio. In normal circumstances I would welcome this, but this week the dial has been turned to Kiss FM, a radio station that caters for those who think Jessie J is a little too street. KISS FM has a song playlist of under 15 songs, which they can get away with playing several times a day, often in exactly the same order, due to the fact that no one of sane mind would ever listen to the station for eight hours straight every day.

Except me. It’s only Tuesday, and I calculate that I have heard each of the following songs approximately 30 times since 9:00am Monday morning, and if I didn’t want to kill Will I Am before then, he tops my list today. I therefore believe that no one on earth can speak about these tunes with a more intricate knowledge than I, and I am prepared to share my educated views with you

1) Will I Am – This is Love


First to the aforementioned William. This is without question the worst song on the radio at present. William has never failed to enrage with his lazy and often plagiarised song writing, in which constant repetition of the same fucking singular line, occasionally interspersed with an autotuned atrocity feigning as a ‘rap’ (again, usually the same one line repeated)  equates to a chart single. Eva Simons (more commonly known as ‘who?’) shrieks the chorus over and over and over and over to the point that I no longer fear Hell – eternal fire and brimstone being no match for listening to this mind eroding shit 6 or 7 times a day.  Everyone involved in this track should be utterly ashamed of themselves – I would gladly give Will and his Peas all my future earnings if they promise to just stop the horror they inflict on us all.

2) Flo Rida – Wild ones


I am a little mournful about this track, as I think the chorus hook is pretty damn good. Wisely, the song opens with this and I imagine it provokes a roar of agreeable screams when pumped out at an 18-30 type nightclub, whether it be in Ibiza or Swindon. However, I also envision excitement turning to indifference once reliable old Flo’s trademark dull rapping takes over for the verses. While I’m impressed that a Flo Rida song actually has a decent chorus that wasn’t nicked from someone else (like Dead or Alive), he somehow manages to make his own song worse.  I suspect that ‘Wild Ones’ probably would have performed just as well if Flo Rida didn’t feature on it at all, and I suggest that he consider this option for his future singles.

3) JLS – Hottest Girl in the World


To which I am asked several times by the chaps ‘How does it feel to be the hottest girl in the world right now?’. Unless the organisers of the distinguished “Hottest Girl in the World Contest” have made a serious error of judgement, I don’t think this question was meant for me.

4) Cheryl Cole  – Call My Name


I fear there’s a wave of collective amnesia amongst pop stars at present, due to numerous requests in recent pop songs to call, or say, ‘my name’. Poor Cheryl Cole is the latest victim, presumably caused by  that dastardly Ashley being an idiot again, and after three minutes she’s no closer to knowing her identity, the year or the president. The chorus hook is a standard Calvin Harris affair, but it’s fair to say he’s left his best for Rhianna – once again, poor Cheryl comes second. Having heard this far too many times, I conclude that if this song dropped in tempo and were played on a series of acoustic guitars, an out of tune choir and a crap drummer, it would sound exactly like most of Graham Kendrick’s happy clappy output. Much like this one

5) Carly Rae Jepson – Call me Maybe


Not a lot I can say about this really, other than I honestly think it’s a fucking good pop song. For me, this song has managed to do everything all Katy Perry songs have failed to do – it’s fun and catchy without trying to be “LOL RANDOM” (translation: annoying). As we know from Will I Am’s pathetic efforts, writing a deceptively simple pop song is not at all easy, so I take my hat off to the writers (I’ve since learnt Jepson is one of these – good work!). I have no idea who Carly Rae Jepson is and something tells me she’ll be a one hit wonder. But this doesn’t matter – when the tenth playing of ‘This Is Love’ in two hours has made me smash a window with my forehead, I’m extremely glad she’s there to restore serenity.

PS – Justin Bieber apparently popularised this. So he has contributed something after all.

More to follow…..


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