Archive | September, 2012

Kiss FM: The Dissected Playlist (Part II)

24 Sep

Having now listened to Kiss FM for over a week, I am currently able to recite the lyrics to each of the following songs backwards. To mark the 7000th listen of Will I Am’s “This is Love”, I submitted a declaration of War to the veteran Peas front man, to which he is given until Wednesday 26th Spetember to respond. Although this has yet to formally go through the UN, I have been informed unofficially that they are likely to give me their full backing, a circumstance I’m told is absolutely unprecedented.

Right, back to the music….


Stooshie – Black Heart

Hmmm. This song bothers me. With a chorus hook containing the line “I’ve fallen for a Monster, he’s scaring me to death”, I can’t shake the horrible idea that ‘Black Heart’ is about being beaten up by your boyfriend. Considering that domestic violence is still a big problem worldwide, Stooshie following this with showering the ‘Monster’ with praise , almost as if to say “Yeah, but I think he’s brilliant, so I probably deserve it to be honest” disturbs me a little. The ‘bad boy’ myth lives on.

I want to stress that there’s a world of difference between being a ‘bad boy’ and a ‘cunt’. Chris Brown is currently labelled in the media as a ‘bad boy’ ( ). But let’s be absolutely clear – Chris Brown is a ‘cunt’. The line is too blurry at the minute and too many cunts are getting away with beating their girlfriends/wives on the basis that they’re believed to be ‘big, bad, and the best I’ve ever had’.

I may be over analysing, but I’m not sure how else I’m meant to interpret lyrics claiming a boyfriend is ‘scaring me to death’ and “I don’t like it when you break me, honey”.

Right, that’s enough of me being Tipper Gore. What’s next, Kiss?


Proud of his work: Chris Brown

Chris Brown – Don’t Wake me Up

Oh Christ, speak of the devil. Here’s another piece of faux electro garbage from the world’s most famous fuckwit. Now, I’m no fan of Chris Moyles, but at least he had the integrity to not play this dick’s records on principle – one clearly not shared by those at Kiss FM. If you’re in a position where Chris Moyles is above you in the morality stakes, then you should really reassess your playlist policy. As for the song itself, the chorus is so pitched up and auto-tuned, it may as well be by Alvin and the fucking Chipmunks. So to sum up, Chris Brown struggles to sing his own songs without robotic assistance, and he beats up his girlfriend. Why is he still around?


Example – Say Nothing

Good advice. Shame Example instead listened to whoever mistakenly informed him he could rap.


Owl City and Carly Rae Jepson – Good time

Forget everything I said about Carly Rae Jepson. I’m hoping to God that this is all Owl City’s fault. “Good Time” sounds like the sort of tune that’s performed to indifferent five year olds at Butlins by 5 overexcited teens and a guy dressed as a friendly elephant. Should you wish to sing along, I’ve written the lyrics below for you.

“Whoah” (Repeat)


Cheryl Cole – Under The Sun

Poor Cheryl’s been lied to one too many God Damned times and her heart can take no more Ashley, you bastard! At least pop’s very own Jennifer Aniston remembers who she is now. Stay strong, poor Cheryl.


David Guetta – Titanium

Not sure I should say this about no one’s favourite DJ and producer, but this isn’t at all bad. The chorus is an anthemic affair, and will provoke many a fist pump in Ibiza no doubt. But Titanium’s strength is that it could also be enjoyed by non idiots.  I really don’t want to encourage the guy though, we may never see the back of him.


DJ Fresh f Rita Ora – Hot Right Now

I vaguely remember seeing a DJ Fresh on a few occasions during my ill advised ‘DnB’ phase at university. Back then, it was safe the say the genre had died a death with the only other people liking drum n bass being students from the home counties who desperately wanted to appear ‘urban’ and buzzing 40 year old men who still thought it was 1991. If this is the same DJ Fresh, he appears to be back in favour having teamed up with Rita Ora, or ‘budget Rhianna’ as it says on her CV. Despite being told many times that Rita Ora is the best thing to happen to British pop since Lisa Scott Lee finally decided to end her solo career, I’m convinced that she falls firmly into the category of “Singers signed on the basis that they look like other more popular singers” (see also: James Morrison with Chris Martin). In the chorus, Rita criticises me for ‘only being in it cos it’s hot right now’ – ‘it’ from what I can gather, being the ‘Drum n Bass scene’. So I propose that if she isn’t on stage accompanying DJ Fresh at the Bristol UWE Student Union Freshers Ball in 2017 when once again no one gives a fuck about ‘DnB’, I am well within my rights to throw Rita’s angry accusations right back at her.

Perhaps I’m being a bit unfair on poor Rita for her likeness to the world’s biggest pop star. Sorry Ms Ora, I wish you and your ‘bad boy’ partner Kris Braun all the very best for the future.


Florence and the Machine – Spectrum (Say my name)

God, the shrieking! Another singer wants to know their own name, but this time I’m loath to tell her. The best quote I’ve ever heard about Florence’s trademark wail came from Liam Gallagher (who is hardly in a position to judge these days, but I’ll quote him anyway), who said it sounded like “someone has trodden on her foot”. I now challenge anyone to listen to a Florence and the Machine song without now thinking of this analogy. I know I can’t.


Kiss FM: The playlist dissected (Part One)

18 Sep

I’ve recently been working in an office which has a radio. In normal circumstances I would welcome this, but this week the dial has been turned to Kiss FM, a radio station that caters for those who think Jessie J is a little too street. KISS FM has a song playlist of under 15 songs, which they can get away with playing several times a day, often in exactly the same order, due to the fact that no one of sane mind would ever listen to the station for eight hours straight every day.

Except me. It’s only Tuesday, and I calculate that I have heard each of the following songs approximately 30 times since 9:00am Monday morning, and if I didn’t want to kill Will I Am before then, he tops my list today. I therefore believe that no one on earth can speak about these tunes with a more intricate knowledge than I, and I am prepared to share my educated views with you

1) Will I Am – This is Love


First to the aforementioned William. This is without question the worst song on the radio at present. William has never failed to enrage with his lazy and often plagiarised song writing, in which constant repetition of the same fucking singular line, occasionally interspersed with an autotuned atrocity feigning as a ‘rap’ (again, usually the same one line repeated)  equates to a chart single. Eva Simons (more commonly known as ‘who?’) shrieks the chorus over and over and over and over to the point that I no longer fear Hell – eternal fire and brimstone being no match for listening to this mind eroding shit 6 or 7 times a day.  Everyone involved in this track should be utterly ashamed of themselves – I would gladly give Will and his Peas all my future earnings if they promise to just stop the horror they inflict on us all.

2) Flo Rida – Wild ones


I am a little mournful about this track, as I think the chorus hook is pretty damn good. Wisely, the song opens with this and I imagine it provokes a roar of agreeable screams when pumped out at an 18-30 type nightclub, whether it be in Ibiza or Swindon. However, I also envision excitement turning to indifference once reliable old Flo’s trademark dull rapping takes over for the verses. While I’m impressed that a Flo Rida song actually has a decent chorus that wasn’t nicked from someone else (like Dead or Alive), he somehow manages to make his own song worse.  I suspect that ‘Wild Ones’ probably would have performed just as well if Flo Rida didn’t feature on it at all, and I suggest that he consider this option for his future singles.

3) JLS – Hottest Girl in the World


To which I am asked several times by the chaps ‘How does it feel to be the hottest girl in the world right now?’. Unless the organisers of the distinguished “Hottest Girl in the World Contest” have made a serious error of judgement, I don’t think this question was meant for me.

4) Cheryl Cole  – Call My Name


I fear there’s a wave of collective amnesia amongst pop stars at present, due to numerous requests in recent pop songs to call, or say, ‘my name’. Poor Cheryl Cole is the latest victim, presumably caused by  that dastardly Ashley being an idiot again, and after three minutes she’s no closer to knowing her identity, the year or the president. The chorus hook is a standard Calvin Harris affair, but it’s fair to say he’s left his best for Rhianna – once again, poor Cheryl comes second. Having heard this far too many times, I conclude that if this song dropped in tempo and were played on a series of acoustic guitars, an out of tune choir and a crap drummer, it would sound exactly like most of Graham Kendrick’s happy clappy output. Much like this one

5) Carly Rae Jepson – Call me Maybe


Not a lot I can say about this really, other than I honestly think it’s a fucking good pop song. For me, this song has managed to do everything all Katy Perry songs have failed to do – it’s fun and catchy without trying to be “LOL RANDOM” (translation: annoying). As we know from Will I Am’s pathetic efforts, writing a deceptively simple pop song is not at all easy, so I take my hat off to the writers (I’ve since learnt Jepson is one of these – good work!). I have no idea who Carly Rae Jepson is and something tells me she’ll be a one hit wonder. But this doesn’t matter – when the tenth playing of ‘This Is Love’ in two hours has made me smash a window with my forehead, I’m extremely glad she’s there to restore serenity.

PS – Justin Bieber apparently popularised this. So he has contributed something after all.

More to follow…..