Archive | November, 2011

Littlewoods hate the world and all who live in it

29 Nov



As I write, much has already been said about the latest Littlewoods Christmas advert in which children perform a play based solely on their most recent materialistic possessions bought by their collective mother.

The Advertising Standards Agency has received over 450 complaints from fraught parents, due to its suggestion that Christmas presents are in fact bought ‘my mother’ rather than made by our old friend Santa.

I too may write a complaint to the ASA, but not for this reason (I know Santa exists, there’s no way a failed department store can convince me otherwise). No, my complaint will be based on the fact that this advert is complete shite on every level conceivable. I can just see the advert’s director now picking out the black kids to do a ‘rap’ section, because that’s what they all do isn’t it? They rap and say ‘yo’ a lot. But I’ll even let that slide for now, there’s more.

Firstly, I question the songs lyrics. What kind of family has a Ben, a Jen and an uncle Ken? There are two answers to this.

1) A family who live in Trumpton
2) a family created by a grossly unimaginative advertising executive who chose to leave writing adapted lyrics to the adverts tune until 5 minutes before filming began.

Besides, no child has an uncle Ken anymore, it isn’t 1958. This limp rhyming offends us all.

Secondly, Granddad gets a macbook? They’re £1000 plus! For fuck’s sake Mum, that’s a bit excessive, especially in a recession. I’m not opposed to the elderly owning laptops, but as it is hinted that this could be granddad’s first, I’m sure he would have settled for a cheaper model. Mum has risked virtually an entire Christmas budget for a piece of equipment that far exceeds the demands of most old men ,who’ll probably only use it to send an email. Its the equivalent giving Ben a real transforming car, or introducing Jen to the world of photography by presenting her with a cloned David Bailey.

Uncle Ken must be furious. Mum has obviously gone a bit ape-shit with the presents this year, and all he got was a phone he could have got for free on a contract, while the old man hits the jackpot.

Finally, if I went to see my child in a school Christmas play and was presented with this, I would transfer them to a new school mid performance. I will spare you of a boring rant about ‘the true meaning of Christmas’ , primarily because there isn’t one (Pagans weren’t that in to Jesus) but I hold out hope that today’s children aren’t completely consumed by materialistic greed and parents can work out that having to buy your relatives’ love via ludicrous overspending represents a massive guilt complex. Any school play organisers that believe this to be worthy of a song need to take a long hard look at themselves! I bet that this is Gove’s doing.

I’m lucky, I’m not as jaded as Littlewoods. Still bitter that they are doomed to now only exist virtually, the online store have given up on humanity entirely. “They’re greedy savages, all of them!” yelled Chairman Littlewoods, “Give the bastards what they want, and make it as insufferable as possible” Rumour is they stopped short of showing a disgruntled Uncle Ken murdering Granddad before swiping his new laptop.

By the way, Littlewoods’ website describes this as ‘a light hearted look at how the family comes together at Christmas and provides some gift inspiration that is often much needed in the early stages of Christmas planning’ (

In other words “buy this shit or your family will hate you”