Archive | June, 2009

Lyndhurst Strikes Royal Family Again

10 Jun

The ongoing  feud between the British Royal Family and Television actor Nicholas Lyndhurst grew deeper last night with Lyndhurst brandishing the Queen as “a humourless pillock ” on his official website. 

Nicholas Lyndhurst

Nicholas Lyndhurst

Lyndhurst, 48 launched the scathing attack on the current monarch and reopened the bitter dispute that has now lasted for nearly two decades.

The scuffle between the two British institutions began in November 1990, when Lyndhurst, then star of popular sitcom “Goodnight Sweetheart” tripped up the Prince of Wales during a Royal visit to BBC television centre. The humiliated Prince was left with a grazed knee as Lyndhurst escaped to a waiting taxi in a fit of giggles.

The bad blood escalated further when Queen Elizabeth in response branded Lyndhurst a “spineless lanky f*cker” in her televised Christmas speech of that year.

Queen: Lyndhurst a "Spineless Lanky F*cker

Queen: Lyndhurst a "Spineless Lanky F*cker

It would not be until 1996 when the titans would clash again. Lyndhurst, managing to evade security at the family’s Sandringham estate, left a whoopee cushion on the dining chair of the Duke of Edinburgh. Shocked diners were greeted with a rich bronx cheer as the flustered duke sat down for that evening’s meal. To add further humiliation to the Duke, a member of kitchen staff bribed by Lyndhurst secretly  filmed the event, to which Lyndhurst sold the footage to a national tabloid newspaper  for nearly a quarter of a million pounds.    

The Queen shortly afterwards wrote an open letter to the British public  that accused Lyndhurst of committing acts of  treason, and that if anyone in her Kingdom is to ever see the actor, they are to “pin his pasty, sh*t filled torso to a tree and call for ma’am to finish the job”.

Tension reached breaking point in 2002, when Lyndhurst was accused of causing the death of the Queen Mother with a single gunshot wound to the head. However, a post-mortem examination revealed that her death was in fact due to her being a very old woman.

Lyndhurst was asked in 2003 why he persists in bullying the British Royal Family.  “Because no body else will” replied the star of the humorous WHSmith advertisements. Just a few days after the interview, a red faced Prince Harry was found tied to a lamppost in Morecombe with dollops of cream cheese in his hair.

Yesterday’s online attack on her majesty is the first since the she called off her four year manhunt for the thespian bully in 2007. Private investigators and terrorist agents from all over the world were hired to track down Lyndhurst, reportedly costing the British taxpayer over £17 million.

Lyndhurst was assumed dead, until he was spotted staring in BBC sitcom “After You’ve Gone” with Tracey Beaker later that year. Two years of inactivity from either party suggested that the dispute had finally reached a conclusion, but last night’s insult and the retaliation it will undoubtedly provoke suggests that the feud is far too rooted to end peacefully.