Archive | April, 2009

“Death” Pandemic Sweeps Britain

27 Apr
Mexican Police protect themselves from Death

Mexican Police protect themselves from Death

 Governments across Europe were today preparing for a possible mass outbreak of a pandemic which causes sufferers to cease living almost instantaneously. “Death”, as it has been labelled, has been described by health experts as a condition where those infected have shortness of breath, decreased brain capacity and diminished muscle movement.

The epidemic, which has already prompted a declaration of National Emergency in North America, is thought to defy the human immune system, resulting in all sectors of the population in jeopardy. It is understood that those most at risk are citizens aged 75 or over, with tolls showing that those within this age bracket are almost twice as likely to fall foul of the disease than their younger counterparts.

 It is believed that “Death” has already claimed the lives of thousands of North Americans in 2008 alone, with this year showing no signs of decrease. British health scientists fear that the disease may have already reached Europe

 

“Symptoms of the pandemic have clearly been evident within the UK in the last couple of weeks, so it is my belief that “Death” is not just a product of North America” Alan Johnson, the Secretary of State for Health warned.

 

The government has predicted that “Death”, if not treated, could effect every living organism residing in Britain over an undistinguished amount of time. With this in mind, the issue has understandably taken top precedence in Downing Street’s agenda this week, over the pocket money scandal that has dominated political discussion throughout 2009.

 

Chief health advisor Reginald Timms of the “Live Long and Prosper Association (LLPA)”  below answers key questions about the pandemic and gives advice on how individuals can reduce the risk of infection: 

 

What is Death?

 

Simply put, it is a condition that takes over your entire body to rapidly reduce your ability to live. It can either have an instantaneous effect, or can develop over a long period of time, depending on the sufferer.

 

What are the Symptoms?

 

Those infected will be unresponsive to verbal or physical interaction and will have difficulty moving as they normally might. Breathing will be significantly reduced, as will the ability to play Football or Darts.

 

Who are most at risk?

 

Death, as with most diseases, will be most common amongst senior citizens of a certain age. However, it can also affect those in younger generations without discrimination. Many towers of strength, such as Richard Whitely and former president Ronald Reagan are understood to have the disease. So to answer your question, I don’t know.

 

Can it be treated?

 

Treatments for the disease have been developed, but as yet, “Death” has a cure rate of 0%. It is rumoured that a man based in the middle east recovered from death over a weekend almost 2000 years ago, but details of how this was achieved are at best sketchy. Some believe that it did not happen at all.

 

What are the predicted numbers of contaminations?

 

Rough estimates predict an infection toll of a million billion if unrestricted by time. Some predict that everyone in the country may catch the disease at some point in their lives, but I believe this to be highly pessimistic.

 

How can I protect me and my family?

 By ensuring that you and your family are cautious in day to day living. Seemingly small changes in daily activity, like not standing in the middle of the M25 motorway, or refraining from leaping off multi story car parks  may help decrease the chances of becoming contaminated. For children, I recommend covering them head to toe in bubble rap and locking them in a cupboard or pantry for 16 hours a day.

 

Are we all going to die?

 

Yes

 

Who would win in a fight between John Stapleton and Eamon Holmes?

 

Although my initial instinct told me to back the burly frame of Holmes, I now think Stapleton’s hidden viciousness may rear its ugly head when confronted in this manner. For that reason, I think Holmes will bite the dust in a horrendous pool of blood.

 

John Stapleton attacking from behind

John Stapleton attacking from behind

World Leaders Announce Plans to Release Charity Single

2 Apr

World Leaders at the G20 Summit before the announcment

 

 

World leaders at the G20 summit in London have announced that they are to release a brand new version of the original Band Aid hit “Feed the World” to help ease the Global Financial crisis.

 

The group, consisting of nearly 30 world leaders have teamed up with original Band Aid creator Bob Geldof in an attempt to raise awareness of all that they have achieved at the April conference. The money raised will go to the catering budget of the next G20 summit – so that the world, in a representative capacity at least, can be fed.

 

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said “I’m truly honoured to be a part of such an exciting and worthwhile project. Let’s hope we can raise as much money as we can, and have a much bigger and better lunch next time!”

 

It is understood that ex Boomtown Rats front man Geldof was approached to produce the record early last week. Three separate versions of “Feed the World” have been released since 1984, each reaching the number one spot. Geldof is confident the new version will follow suit, despite Africa not benefiting from its release and it not being Christmas time.

 

“Although the song has a strong Christmas premise, I think its main themes are relevant all year round. I fully believe the British record buying public will support our cause, as they have for the last three releases, and that the resulting lunch will be wonderful”

 

When asked if he was concerned that the wayward singing voices of Brown and others may put people off from buying the record, Geldof appeared untroubled:

 

“No, this certainly won’t be an issue. The one we did a few years ago with Coldplay and the rest was dreadful – that still made number one! I don’t think people will care if Gordon Brown’s voice is a little off key, it’ll never be as bad as that pile of cr*p”.

 

It is understood that the French President Nicolas Sarkozy will sing the infamous “Well tonight thank God its them…” line immortalised by U2 front man Bono in the original version, with USA President Barack Obama set to sing the opening lines in his trademark baritone manner.

 

 

Royal Correspondent Nicholas Witchell

Royal Correspondent Nicholas Witchell

BBC Royal correspondent Nicholas Witchall has reportedly delayed the release of his upcoming club favourite “Rock n Roll Royal Correspondent” to avoid clashing with the G20 summit leaders for the number one spot.

 

The video, which will feature the summit participants in the recording studio juxtaposed with footage of cream cakes and unemployment figures, is set to debut on British television towards the end of next week, with the official release date set for Monday 20th April 2009